Bless My Body then Began

I realized, after years of “Monday… no, next month…. no, the beginning of the year… no…” that I never would ever arrive at the “right” time to start.

There is only actually starting. No negotiation with myself. No excuses, no setting the date for some obscure first of something on the Chinese calendar in a lunar year from Galaxy Y. I could always think of thousands of reasons not to start.

Until I realized – and more importantly, was honest with myself enough to say that was what I was doing.

And then one day. I just did it. No procrastinating, no excuses, no waiting for the special vibe from the universe to land on me in a special cosmic message.

I just started. August 14, 2022.

I was 350 pounds.

I was exhausted with myself. I had started what felt like 2000 times. I had “failed” 2000 times. I was tired of myself lying to myself, negotiating with myself and then making excuses about the excuses I had excused myself with for the last 2000 times.

This time, I did not overthink it. I did not wait to feel perfectly ready to begin the starting of a beginning that would take time to start. I had gotten so good at it that I had built a whole identity around beginning.

And why I couldn’t begin. Just beginning.

I realize, when I look back, that starting was truly the hardest part of my entire weight-loss journey.

I was so sure that I would fail. I was so sure that I could not do it. I was so sure that I was stuck with an extra person’s weight on my body for the rest of my life that even hoping to hope seemed ridiculous.

But the day that I realized I needed to think about it differently, that I needed to stop fighting – with myself – was the beginning of change for me.

Lasting change.

Because that time, I was not looking externally for someone to tell me what to do. I was not looking for a plan, a fast, a trend or a diet. I wanted to get healthy. I wanted to live. I had twin precious little baby girls, and I wanted to see them grow up.

That. Was enough.

That was how I started my 200-pound weight loss journey. I had to stop circling the idea of maybe someday starting, and maybe one day changing, and maybe one day deciding to decide.. and in that moment, to take a step.

Just one step in a new direction.

And I did.

What I finally realized, when I looked at things from a kinder (and truer) perspective, was that all of those past attempts were not proof that I always failed.

They were evidence that I could lose weight when I set my mind to it. They were proof that even with diets I hated, I could knock a few pounds off. It no longer mattered that I had gained it back. I stopped looking at myself as having failed and instead applauded myself for the little bits of success that I had had.

Even the times I lost weight and later gained it back showed me that I was capable of change. The real problem was that I had been choosing paths I felt resentful towards. And my attitude was terrible.

When I started to reframe things in a positive lens instead of a harsh one, the results affected me so much that I applied it not only to my weight loss journey but to other parts of my life.

Both my attitude and my view of myself had to change for me to find lasting success.

I stopped looking for other people to dictate my choices for me.

I stopped handing my body over to pressure, rigid rules, and borrowed formulas.

I started paying attention to what made sense, what I truly needed, what I genuinely enjoyed and what I could live with, honestly, over time.

I began to think of food not as punishment or restriction, but as something that could bless my body, which was a game-changer for me.

Instead of looking at the journey as being a burden I had to put myself through resentfully, I started to look at it as the chance to see food as a gift to give my body. That food could bless me with energy, support my health, and help me move forward. And the best part was that I genuinely loved the food I ate, and still do.

I really did change my attitude. I allowed every small step to be meaningful and did not downplay my successes, no matter how minute they may have seemed at the time. I let them accumulate. I let them become real.

And they did.

Over time, each small step compounded into visible change.

The best part was that the biggest change was not in my body. It was in the way I learned to think, choose, and care for myself with more honesty, kindness, and intention.

For years, I had been hard on myself when what I truly needed was wiser guidance. I needed someone steady, loving, honest, and practical enough to lead me forward.

Eventually, I found that person.

In me.

Not in a loud voice. Not by continuing to follow the most popular method.

I decided to stop trying to follow others’ formulas.

I discovered a beautiful secret that I cherish.

The key had been in my own hand all along.

I already knew what I should and should not eat, so I started using my own logic and discernment. I chose my food with joy, added movement slowly and kindly, and learned to take my next steps with peace.

What I had fought against within myself for years became a joyful process, peace became my truth, and I live it to this day.

Once I knew, even with only a little confidence, that I had found the right path, I chose it. I stuck to it, and now I am happy to share my success, my joy and my process.

And now I smile.