Final Degrees

Oh my God, the fever, how it wars and rages
I am full of disillusionment as the looming truth wages
I’m caught in the place of, I think, in between
Where nobody goes until their unmaker is seen

Oh, the aches, the aches, I feel like I’m breaking
Every inch of me hurting, every inch of me shaking
I sit in a blue gown worn by others before me
Did they have the same fate? Where destiny tore me?

Oh, but that I had made a better decision
And not had that secret surgery, fretful incision
But I couldn’t, I couldn’t have just one more boy
Five were too many, I needed to be employed

With Charles away at war now for years
The bed is still lonely but gone are the tears
He came for a leave and of course it caught
I should have known, lessons five times taught

Another child, I just couldn’t, couldn’t, just wouldn’t
My heart ached for the thought, though it shouldn’t
I could barely keep food on the table for five
How could I possibly nurse another and keep them alive?

Poverty has no room for one more mouth to feed
And by choosing this route I thought I’d be freed
I was tired a day or two, as could be expected
But I felt my joints aching soon, and this I accepted

A day or two passed and I felt myself flushed
I did not want the hospital, I wanted this hushed
No one could know the shame that I carried
Not even the father, the man that I married

I love God so much but took fate in my hands
Thinking surely He’d help me, He’d understand
After it was done, I was resplendent with relief
But there was a moment I felt the child’s grief

Oh, that life were different and we weren’t so poor
I never would think to go through that harrowing door
Oh no, how it hurts, can’t anyone aid me?
Doctors and nurses look as if to upbraid me

How could they not judge me, as I judge myself?
I put this “situation” away on a shadowed, dark shelf
But here I am, near I am to what end, I am sure
They don’t give me hope or tell me I will endure

One lovely nurse came in the midst of my sweat
Put her hand on my forehead and said, “Don’t forget
All you’ve done has been for what you thought right
Don’t give up to this fever, please keep your fight.”

She soothed my face with a cloth and tenderly wiped
Sweat beads and tears that she endlessly swiped
She sighed after a while and said, “Dear woman, I bless”
With her loving eyes I knew she saw a hopeless mess

Oh God, I feel weaker, I have no strength to even pray
But my eyes are on You, and on You they must stay
The pain seems a bit farther, the muscles ache a bit less
Oh my dear God, forgive me, please touch me and bless

Oooh… I feel different… somehow my world is now calm
I think I am dreaming, drifting but yet moving on
My boys… oh my God! I can’t slip away like this
They need me, they need me, let me keep life’s kiss

Oh my God, I am helpless, I don’t want, I can’t go under
I know that I won’t come back, my world ruined asunder
Oh, what can I do to stop this fever from ravaging my spirit?
How can I fix this ill fate? I am terrified, quaking, oh how I fear it

I can’t stay awake… it feels so good to give in, but no
I must hang on, must fight this, I cannot let go
Ooohhhh, the softness of surrender is pulling so hard
My sin blazing within me, my spirit eternally charred

Oh, where am I now? Can you answer me please?
Where is the room, the aching muscles, fever’s freeze?
Oh, I lost it, I lost it, I must find my way out
I cry out from my depths, silently I plead and I shout

My mouth not connecting to the pleas that I uttered
No sounds, no nothing, I felt better, but shuddered

I know where I am

Do you?

Easter Ellen

~ writing what won’t leave me alone until it is expressed